We all have psychological foundations but sometimes we’re not aware of them until they’re rocked.
In my last post I talked about my mental health having deteriorated lately. Thankfully it has now recovered but I’ve been wondering what caused it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is about being aware of your behaviours that indicate a potential depressive phase, and then doing something to stop the slide. I’ve used CBT for more than 10 years to maintain my mood, and it’s unusual for something to slip past it.
One factor is that I’ve had COVID, which took around 10 days to finally clear. I’ve seen some articles stating that 1 in 5 people with COVID experienced mood issues, but nothing from trusted sources so I’m discounting that. The pandemic in general, and lock-downs in particular, definitely resulted in wider MH issues in the general population but studies into the long term impacts are ongoing.
Which left the fact that I’ve retired recently. I couldn’t see why though - it was my choice to leave. It would be easier to relate the two if I’d been made redundant or fired.
Then on 8th August HM the Queen died. Now I’m not a particular royalist, but neither do I think we should be rid of a monarchy. My mother loved the Queen and had so many books and magazines about the royal family: the Queen Mother, Prince Philip and especially Princess Diana. She worked at the Royal Hospital for Neuro-disability which was visited by both the Queen and Diana while she was there. My step-father was a Grenadier Guard and took part in Trooping the Colour. Apart from the Queen talking to us before Christmas Dinner every year of my life, I had almost no interest in weddings, funerals or the increasing scandals involving them.
Given all that, I was amazed at how emotional I felt when it was announced that she had died. I mean, in tears, and not just at the point of finding out. It affected me for several days. The more television commentary we watched, the more we saw other people say pretty much the same thing: that they’d never been particular royalists but felt hugely emotional at the news. As one person put it, it’s like we’ve all lost our granny.
Looking into why that might be also answered my original question.
We live in a changing, unstable world but humans need a solid foundation - something stable and unchanging. Something that seems to be perpetual, reliable and constant. Many of us through our careers have learnt to accept and deal with Change, but none of us like it.
No-one in the UK under 70 years old has lived under a different monarch. Elizabeth II has been the Queen for our entire lives; her face is on the post we receive, and the coins & banknotes in our pockets, purses and wallets. She sent us a message every Christmas, and appeared to be talking to us directly. Subconsciously many of us had treated the Queen as our foundation, and now she’s gone. Things now seem much more turbulent as a result.
The same applied for me with my 39 year career in a single organisation. That I was an employee, a ‘member of staff’ and a colleague was part of my identity and, crucially, the platform between childhood and late middle age. The removal of it had a similar and unexpected impact on me.
So what can we do about it? The first thing is to be honest about your feelings and not try to deny them. In respect of the Queen there are many people feeling the same way. Maybe have a real conversation with a friend feeling the same way. They’ll appreciate it as well.
Accept that it’s possibly a reminder of grief for someone you did know. My Mum was a huge royalist and died earlier this year, so there’s a good chance that the Queen’s death is acting as a reminder of that grief.
“We're playing for the other misfits. They're the outcasts, right at the back of the room. We're pretty sure they don't belong either. We belong to them.”
Don’t feel guilty about grieving for someone you didn’t know. I remember being really upset when Freddie Mercury died; I know exactly where I was when I heard the news on the radio. My Mum was quite annoyed with me, as I was a lot more upset than I had been at the death of some people I actually knew. The difference was that I was a huge Queen fan while growing up and their albums were part of the foundation that helped get me through my depression. To a lesser extent the same applied to the death of Bon Scott of AC/DC. I remember one of the kids in my class at school coming in with the news (several of us were fans); for most of us it was the first time we’d experienced the death of a musical hero. It was also the inspiration for the title of this post.
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